I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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