Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
