Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
