Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize