Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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