whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
She has the best kind of daddy issues
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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