Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
