omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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