I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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