my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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