some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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