I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
