as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
