i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
