i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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