hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
