I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
