woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
