Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You may now shotgun with the bride
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
