I bet he comes in French.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
