My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
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