Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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