dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just want to make out with him forever
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
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