Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
