I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I would ride that face into the sunset
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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