We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
