so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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