dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
did you just send me my own nude
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
