My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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