I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
