I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
