i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I still have a little drunk in my system
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
