I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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