I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you mean i was at the winter classic?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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