i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
