Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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