I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
