dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
