He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
