True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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