Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize