Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
