apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
