The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
