dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm at about main and main street
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
