I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
