I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
