i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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