I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Dicks are not precious.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
