yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
