That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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