the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
