I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
She just used a chaser for red wine.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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