Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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