I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
