I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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