I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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