Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
