I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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