Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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