one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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