all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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