when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
worst night to have a conscience
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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