you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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