I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
