I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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