you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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