Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
