life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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