I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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